it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
