I looked at my own cervix.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
