You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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