My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
