I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
