Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
And then my night got REAL pukey
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
