my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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