apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
