he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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