just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
