Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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