If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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