There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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