My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
As shirtless as possible
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
