he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
