we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
