There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
