Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
