planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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