it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Who died my cat blue again?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
