Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
