I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
