Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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