Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
