There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
