1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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