If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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