I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
