The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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