who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
