Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
