I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I want to fling myself into the sun
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
