In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Randomize
