if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
