If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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