if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
