I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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