It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
