i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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