After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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