i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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