I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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