what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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