Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
