So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Randomize
