Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize
