He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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