He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
