just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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