You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
