Cold hands, warm shart.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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