Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
