I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
