you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Alive.
So much puke
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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