i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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