It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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