I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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