dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
